


Dating and how Deadpool sucks at it.

by Kazhiru



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Developing Relationship, Hot Sex, M/M, Peter tries to help wade date spiderman, Plot, dating fail, fail wade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-03
Updated: 2014-03-03
Packaged: 2018-01-14 09:27:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1261312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kazhiru/pseuds/Kazhiru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Negativelaughs / Anonymoys on tumblr asked me for a long sweet fic. I also found an ask on Spideypoolfanfic about a story where Deadpool tries to seduce Spiderman with the aid of Peter Parker.<br/>I AM HERE TO DELIVER!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dating and how Deadpool sucks at it.

“Hey Spiderman, can you like, recommend me your photographer or something?” Deadpool asked on at the end of their mission before Spiderman got the chance to escape him. The other was always quick to leave the scene.  
“Why? Do you need your mugshot taken or something?” Spiderman was already making his leave but he stayed on the rooftop to hear him out.  
“Yeah, something like that. I saw he takes almost all of your pictures on the paper, so I wondered if you knew him or something?” Deadpool followed Spiderman on the roof, knowing that their paths would soon split. Spiderman always made sure that Wade couldn't just keep following him.  
“Yeah. I kind of know him. I can always ask if his free.” Spiderman sounded doubtful, but Wade did not mind. It would be cool if he met the man behind all those amazing ass shots of Spiderman, most which he had cut out of the paper and clung on his walls. Especially his bedroom.  
“Yeah! That would be great! I'll get you some address, he can come by whenever his free.” Deadpool started digging his belt for any kind of paper, and after a while he found a scrambled up receipt from the taco bell, and he scribbled his address on it.  
“Here, I should be free whenever I'm not on a mission.” Deadpool handed the paper over, and Spiderman pocketed it.  
Hear that voices, now we are getting the photographer in our place.  
Now if we can only get him on our side!  
Spiderman made a quick nod at him, saying “I'll see what I can do.” Before he flung himself off the building, disappearing behind the skyscrapers.  
Now it was just a waiting game.

Wade was at his place, waiting impatiently when the doorbell finally rang. It had been several days later, on the weekend, and he was anxious.  
He almost knocked himself over when racing to the door, and he was glad to see Peter Parker by the door. He had googled him up, he knew who he was.  
“Hey. I'm Deadpool.” Deadpool was quick to grab the other's waiting hand, and he steered him in the house before Peter even had time to introduce himself. Peter seemed like a normal dude. A little bit of a geek with his thick glasses and all, but otherwise fine. He was not quite what he thought a person photographing Spiderman would look like, but apparently he got the job done.  
“So Spiderman was telling me you need some pictures taken?” Peter asked, doubtful. He was standing in the middle of the room awkwardly, not taking a seat. He kept looking at his apartment, and Deadpool guessed he could of have made a better first impression. His apartment was dirty with all kinds of weapons just laying around. His katanas were just resting against the wall, and for some reason he had forgotten his chainsaw on the living room coffee table. To his defense, that chainsaw was for zombie reasons solely! It was never a bad idea to prepare for the impending zombie apocalypse!  
“Erm, you are not about to kill me or something?” Peter asked, eying nervously at the chainsaw.  
“No! Absolutely not. Unless you become a zombie. Then I would do it on a heartbeat.” Deadpool went to throw his chainsaw out of the table. He did not really care where it landed, as long as it was out of sight. He then went ahead to slouch down on the sofa with his feet on the table.  
“About those pictures. I really don't need any taken, really. I was just wondering whether you knew anything about the Spiderman or something? A couple of pictures would be cool though.” Deadpool rambled while Peter carefully took a seat on the armchair. The seat would not bite him, no matter how dubious he seemed to act about sitting on it.  
“Pictures? information? For what purpose?” Peter seemed doubtful as hell. Probably thinking that he was some crazy case. Which he was, don't take it wrong, but he was not THAT crazy.  
“If this is some scam then count me out of it. I am not going to tattle on Spiderman.” Peter squinted his eyes, looking a little stern. Deadpool was quick to swing his arms in front of his face with his palms open, trying to abort. “No, no, no! It's nothing like that, I swear!”  
Peter raised his eyebrow doubtfully. “Than what is it about?”  
“To be quite honest, It's solely for personal reasons.” Deadpool tried to defend himself, but Peter seemed to demand for further details. “Oh just be done with it. I just want to tap that ass so bad. I mean, have you seen that ass? Of course you have, you photograph that said ass. But anyways, if spiderman's gay, then it's totally cool, but if not, then He can tap me in some weird gender bent universe. I don't care, as long as there is some sort of tapping happening, you know what I mean?” Deadpool rambled, and Peter was staring at him, jaw dropping. It took him a while to get it all in, but when he did he blinked rapidly before coughing in his fist.  
“Well, That is a new one.” Peter said with a pitching voice, but he collected himself quickly.  
“Erm, I really don't know Spiderman that well so I really don't know what to say.”  
Deadpool immediately perked himself up on the couch and proceeded: “No, you really don't have to know him that well. But I know that you know him in at least some level, so if you could give me any kind of pointers, that would be much appreciated.”  
Peter looked baffled. “Pointers?”  
“Yeah, tips, tricks, anything! Is there anything he likes? A favorite part in the city, anything.” Deadpool sounded hopeful, and to be clear, he felt so too.  
“Well, I do take pictures of him daily, so we are practically like... What you could call it... Like the same person? Or something like that, because I am definitely no spiderman.” Peter sounded rushed, but Wade did not care. If the two were like carved from the same tree, the better. “Cool, so if you know where he lives, can you steal me his underwear?”  
Peter sputtered, taken aback, and Wade had to laugh at that.  
“Just kidding! But seriously, If you ever see him hanging laundry...”  
Peter tried to escape the topic. “Oo-kay.” He coughed to clear his throat again. “Well, I don't know if I'll be much of a help, but what I can gather, he seems to be low on money almost constantly. So maybe taking him to eat would be a nice first step. Maybe not anything fancy. That might be too weird, his constantly vigilant. But takeaway would be cool. Totally normal, yet nice.”  
Wade looked at him with eyes wide open. “Why did I not think of that! That seems like a great idea! I'll do that tomorrow!” Wade said cheerily, and instantly started to mull over the scenarios. Maybe after the mission Spiderman would spare him a moment to enjoy some tacos or something.  
“So if that was all, I'll be leaving now.” Peter said awkwardly as he got up and made his escape at the door, but Wade stopped him before he could.  
“No, wait! I really suck at this dating thing, like, I really do. So I was wondering if you could like, I don't know, be my personal tutor or some shit like that?” Deadpool held Peter from the arm, and Peter looked doubtful. “I don't think that you can suck that bad. I mean, it's just dating. Google it.”  
Deadpool suddenly looked at Peter with deadly serious expression. “No, seriously. You will be surprised about how much of a fucktart I can be. Let me spell this to you. I. Suck. At. Dating. Period.”  
“Well, I really don't know. I mean, it's Spiderman, what use am I really?” Peter tried to protect himself, but his eyes brightened instantly when Wade said “I can pay.”.  
Wade went immediately to fetch a piggy bank which he had horribly colored with sharpies to look like it was wearing the Spiderman costume.  
“I even have this tiny savings thingy. Whatever it takes. Just take the whole damn thing.” Wade mumbles as he pushes it on Peter's hand, and the other opens up the gap under it to notice that the piggy has been completely filled with crumbled up notes, all varying from one dollar to a hundred dollar bill.  
“I don't know whether this is weird or cute.” Peter said as he awkwardly held the thing on his arms, looking at the messy scribbles on it. “Ah, whatever, deal. I'll see you tomorrow. Have a nice “date”.”.  
“Awesome! I can't wait! I'll tell you how the date went!” Deadpool sounded ecstatic, and before he could pull Peter back in for whatever it was going in his head, Peter made his escape to the door, with piggy bank in tow, this time successfully.

The next day after the mission Spiderman did not seem too busy to leave this time. It almost got Wade's attention, but then he remembered that he had dinner plans to make.  
“Oh yeah, Spiderman, I was thinking, maybe we could like, get some takeout. My treat!” Deadpool suggested, and Spiderman looked like a weight had dropped from his shoulders.  
“Awesome, because I am starving. I could eat a cow!” Spiderman took a gesture of holding his stomach, and Wade was sure he could hear it grumble. Wow, was it really this easy to get the Spiderman stay after one of their missions? Why had he not tried it before!  
“Great! You can go wait somewhere, I'll be right back!” Wade was quick to make his way to locate the nearest Mexican restaurant, because who did not like Mexican. He adored it!  
It did not take him long, especially when he cut in line and threatened the staff with a gun, but Spiderman would not learn about that.  
Wade was quickly at the same rooftop where Spiderman had been waiting for him. They both sat at the side of the building, with their legs hanging down the side.  
“I got us some Mexican, just the way I like it, hot and spicy!” Deadpool announced as he pulled up the bag, and handed Spiderman his container. The other thanked him and pulled up his mask and started wolfing down the wood. He still managed to do it with more grace than Wade ever could.  
“Mexican food is my favorite! Tacos and chimichangas for everyone!” He rambled, feeling uncomfortable in silence. He did not even notice he was talking with his mouth full, but he doubted Spiderman noticed either, he was too busy eating.  
“Wow, this really is spicy. But still so delicious.” Spiderman mentioned, and licked off the sauce on his thumb. Wade was sure his eyes would be glued to those lips for the rest of the eternity.  
The date seemed to go well. Spiderman ate all of his food, and they even had some comfortable discussion, with Wade not being the only one talking.  
“Great, so I have a mission tomorrow, but it would be cool to meet you again, maybe in the evening. We could team up again. I kind of enjoy battling with you.” Wade said, and he noticed that Spiderman was seeming kind of distraught all of a sudden. He seemed to be crawling on his seat as if he couldn't get comfortable.  
“Erm, everything alright?” Deadpool asked, wondering if Spiderman's curfew hit in or something.  
“Yeah, yeah, just fine.” Spiderman said and he almost sounded pained?  
Deadpool did not quite know what to do, and he sat baffled as Spiderman suddenly bolted up to his feet.  
“Shit, I really got to go. See you tomorrow.” Spiderman seemed like he had fire under his tail, he almost bolted off the rooftop.  
“I can walk-” Or swing? “-with you?” Deadpool tried to ask, but Spiderman was quick to turn him down.  
“No thanks, I really need to go. See you tomorrow!” He yelled, and then he was gone. Just like that.  
Did he do something bad? Did his breath smell? Wade breathed on his arm, and took a sniff. It was normal. Or as normal as a breath could be post Mexican. Well, whatever it was, he had foiled it again.  
Wade went home feeling rather disappointed.

That evening Deadpool was almost sure that Peter had just stood him up, until the man finally arrived. It was very late, and Peter looked like he had run a mile, he was sweating all over.  
“Glad you could finally show up.” Deadpool mentioned, but Peter shrugged it off and slouched on Wade's armchair.  
“So, wanna hear about how the date went? It was actually kind of cool at the start, but then he suddenly got all hot and bothered and bailed on me. What was up with that?” Deadpool went to take the same spot he did last night. He shoved his feet on the table in sign of defeat. He was still slightly miffed when Spidey just stood him up like that.  
“Yeah. About that. I think that Spiderman got a upset stomach or something. He seemed quite distraught.” Peter said, sounding pained.  
“Really? Out of Mexican food? But it was delicious!” Wade tried to defend himself, but Peter really seemed like he had something else in his mind.  
How could someone get their stomach upset from spices. Wade had no problem with that. But on the other hand, he had the healing factor. His stomach could digest even a nail bomb. Don't ask him how he ended up eating that thing. It was an accident. He swore it on his mom.  
“Hey, do you have a toilet in here? I really need to take a dumb.” Peter said, and Wade made a noncommittal gesture to point it out. “Yeah, but it's sorta messy. I hope you don't mind.” Peter obviously did not, since he dashed in there as if the Christmas would be held prematurely in his bathroom.  
Well, when a man has to go, he really gotta go. Wade thought, and he waited as patiently as he could for Peter to return. He really took his sweet time in the bathroom. It probably was because Wade had build a spiderweb trap in his bathroom out of toilet paper. He was still probably trying to take it down.  
But when Peter arrived, he seemed like he had just dodged a bullet. Whatever was up with that?  
“I now see why you claim to suck at dating.” Peter said the first thing he got. Wade shrugged. He was fully aware.  
“Well, maybe dating is just not for you. You could just go straight for the kill and tell him.” Peter tried, but Wade run him down before he could even try to explain.  
“No, that would be weird! I really do not want to just shock him. What if he wouldn't want to see me after that! I can't risk that. It's just too likely that he will say no. I don't want that. So I will ease him to the thought first. That's the deal.”  
Peter held up his hands in defeat. “Okay, okay, I get it! So how about we start from something small. Maybe just some small hints that even you can't fail. Like... I don't know.” Peter took a moment to think about it. He held his jaw in his hand and he almost looked like he could get lost in thought. But then he got it. Which Deadpool was very glad to hear. He was afraid that he had already screwed it up beyond repair.  
“Well, you could always try to romance him. Like flowers, making small touches, commenting on his appearance, just the small things, you know.”  
Wade nodded his head slowly. Yeah. I can do that. It doesn't seem too difficult. At least I could try.  
“Awesome. I'm sorry I came in rather late, and I have to take me leave so early today, but I really have some business to take care of.” Peter excused himself, and Wade walked him to the door.  
“It's not a problem. I'll google up some dating advice, I can do this!”  
“Great. See you tomorrow.”

The next day Wade was leaving from his mission outside from the city, and he was walking through a forest. His pick up ride had failed him, and he was out on foot.  
If he wanted to meet Spidey this night, he probably would have to hurry up, or he wouldn't make it to the flower shop before it closes. Those damn stores were never open past five!  
But on the other hand, he was in the forest. There were a lot of blooming wildlife in here, and he might just as well make his own bouquet for Spidey. Well, why not, maybe it would even make it extra special!  
Wade noticed a small plant vine around a tree, and it had nice small white bloom. It kind of reminded him of Spidey. A slender guy with a lot of personality. Strong but independent. The flower had some fuzz on the wine, and even that reminded him of Spidey. Maybe hugging him would be all fuzzy and warm?  
Well, who cares, he just needs to pick up some flowers and be done with it. Spidey's not gonna wait for him forever.

So Wade managed to make it on foot. He was a bit late, but at least he was in one piece. His palms had been itching like crazy. Must have been of nervousness.  
Spiderman was waiting for him at the same rooftop they had enjoyed their Mexican yesterday. He seemed quite a bit better this time. Wade hid the flowers behind his back before Spiderman could notice him.  
“Hey, you.” Deadpool said, and Peter turned around to look at him and wave. Wade could tell he was smiling because his mask was stretching around his lips.  
“I heard you got a stomach ache. I'm sorry of that.” Wade said, and tried ultimately to sound remorseful.  
“It's okay. That happens. Although, I would appreciate it if I didn't need to run to the loo every twenty minutes.” Spiderman's words got silent to the end, and the subject almost left hanging, but gladly Wade had a deal breaker!  
“So anyways, I got a punch of flowers to apologize for that!” Wade whipped the flowers up, and Peter tried his best to resist a smirk, until he finally managed to fight on a straight face.  
“I'm sorry Deadpool, I can't accept those flowers.” Deadpool's smile dropped in a nanosecond.  
“What? Why!” He took the flowers to his face and examined them. “But they are such a nice flowers! Small white blooms and everything! They don't even droop!”  
Peter laughed at him lightly as he shook his head. He then looked Deadpool in the eye: “Those are poison Ivies.”  
“What! No way! No wonder my arms are itching like crazy!” Deadpool threw the bouquet off his arms as if it was burning him, which it actually was, and he started scratching his hands. God they burned like crazy. Thank god his healing factor would take care of it shortly.  
“Hey, that could have hit someone!” Peter scolded, and suddenly Wade remembered that he was still on a date. And that he had an agenda.  
According to the website, all small touches were recommended. He laid his hand on Peter's shoulder to assure. “Don't worry, No-one's down there. Except dumpsters. It's the back alley.”  
Wade sat next to Peter and looked him in the eyes. If he did not have his mask on it would look crazy because he tried to gawk with his eyes open like ping pong balls.  
“Deadpool, you suck at recognizing flowers.” Peter said to break the moment, and Wade slouched.  
“Oh, come on! It is the thought that counts!” Peter laughed at him, but smiled. “Yeah. True.”  
They stayed like that for a moment, and Wade tried to think as hard as he could for something to say. Something not totally awkward. Peter beat him in to it.  
“Well, it is getting late. I was thinking of taking a walk home. You can walk with me for some distance.” Spiderman suggested, and Wade was quick to accept. Of course! Maybe he could even hold hands!  
Deadpool got up suddenly, all ready to go. “Okay! Show me the way!” Spiderman looked at him funnily, but he accepted the offer. He led them to walk through the park, and Wade was trying to gather his courage to grab Spiderman's hand.  
When they were almost exciting the park, he finally mustered it, and their hands touched with a small soft grace. Spiderman did not pull his hand immediately back, so Wade took that as a good sign, and gave Spiderman's hand a short, soft squeeze.  
“Hey, what is this!” Spiderman suddenly noted, and went to a paper carrier. He put a dollar on the machine and took out the today's paper.  
“Oh come on! Jameson has again printed some bullshit on the paper.” Spiderman sounded very bummed as he looked at the usual “Spiderman is a menace” or some shit like that title.  
“And he has a new photographer! What the-!” Spiderman took his gloves off to help him turn pages. Those thin leaflets were always hard to manage. Wade put his hands on Spiderman's shoulder.  
“I don't believe in that bullshit. I bet no-one does.” Deadpool tried to sound comforting, and he made a mental fist pump. Nailed it.  
“You really think so?” Spiderman asked, and Deadpool smiled gently at him. This was going well. This was going very well.  
Things were actually getting so well, that Deadpool felt himself like some hero in a shining armor or something like that. He was jacked with self confidence. Now he only had one more heroic action to do, and then this would be in the bag!  
Suddenly Spiderman dropped one of his gloves, and the wind caught it, blowing it down the street.  
“I'll catch it!” Deadpool saw his opportunity arrive, and he took it. Like a true gentleman he went to get the escaping glove, and he picked it from the ground. He lifted it up in victory, showing Spiderman he caught it.  
And suddenly there was a hard push, everything was fast and blurry, and Deadpool laid in a heap. He got hit by a fucking taxi.  
He could see Spiderman run at him in a shock, and then he went unconscious. Shit, that could have gone better.

The next thing Wade knew he woke up in his apartment. He had no idea how he had gotten here, but at least he was now back in function. Again.  
He heard some sound from the kitchen, and he immediately went to confront the intruder, ready to lance, but he stopped himself just in time. It was Peter.  
“How did you get in? Better yet, how did I get in here?” Deadpool asked in confusion, and Peter flipped around like he was caught doing something rude.  
“I- I-” Peter looked like he was thinking something, but he soon got the answer through: “The Spiderman brought you to me. He thought that I knew where you lived because I was supposed to take some photos or something, and I brought you here. You had the key in your pocket.”'  
Wade squinted, but nodded. It sounded legit.  
“Okay, so if you met Spiderman, then you probably know how I fucked up this time.” Wade said in defeat, and slouched on the kitchen chair, resting his head against his hands as he supported his elbows against the table.  
“Yeah. I'm sorry to hear. I thought you had died, but then Spiderman mentioned your healing factor. You are one lucky guy.” Peter tried to support, but Wade didn't feel lucky at all.  
“Lucky my ass. If I was lucky, I would be shagging Spiderman by now!” Wade growled and covered his face in his hands. “What do we have next on the list?”  
“The list of wooing Spiderman?” Peter confirmed, and Wade nodded, with his hands still on his face.  
“Well, since you seem to be failing all the dates out on the public, why wont you invite him here? You could clean up the place a little, maybe have a movie marathon? This place is not all that bad.” Peter explained, and Wade nodded.  
He might as well. He was failing so bad, at least the common ground would make things more easy on him.  
“Okay. I will invite him over tomorrow. I'll clean today, and I'll get some popcorn or something. I'll even rent a movie. Or maybe we could rent the movie together! Do you really think he would come?” Wade tried to sound enthusiastic, but he felt like he was doomed to fail.  
“Well, you don't know if you don't ask. Just make sure to put your weapons in a closet or something.  
Wade nodded, and he was already thinking about it. Maybe he could even get something to eat. Even if it was a microwave dinner.  
Suddenly Wade noticed that Peter had stayed, and he looked up at him. Peter did not seem to realize that he had stayed until now. “Are you sure you are okay?” He asked, and Wade nodded. “Good as new. See you tomorrow. I have a lot of cleaning to do.”  
“Do you need help?” Peter asked, and Wade lifted a brow. “Would you really? It's a lot of work.” Wade knew what his apartment was like. And he was sure Peter did too. It was worse off than after a bomb attack.  
“Well, I might at least help around in the kitchen.” Peter said, and Wade let him. As long as Peter wouldn't be allowed to enter his bedroom. He had some dirty secrets hidden in there.

Peter helped to clean the kitchen, but he left eventually. Wade spent the better half of the night cleaning, and by the end he was surprisingly glad with his hand work. The apartment was clean, and everything was on their respectful places.  
Now if only Spiderman would accept the invite.

The next day once Spiderman was done with his patrol Wade went to find him. It was not too hard to do. The man wore red, anyone could spot him by afar.  
“Hey Spiderman! What's up!” Wade announced his presence and came by his side.  
“Nothing much. Just finishing patrol.” Spiderman cleaned his hands on the side of his pants. Wade smiled.  
“Great. Because I meant to ask whether or not you would like to come see a movie? We can rent anything you want from the blockbuster.”  
Spiderman turned to face him, and seemed to consider it. He did not consider for long at all before he accepted.  
Wade was glad of that.  
Maybe this time everything would go well. He had his share taken care of.

They came to the blockbuster, and it was surprisingly easy getting in, considering that they were both wearing their costumes. Was it really that likely of people dressed as superheroes to enter the blockbuster?  
Well, at least they would be allowed to get whatever they want without getting intruded. Or they did get intruded a couple of times when a small child wanted to have a picture with Spiderman, which the other accepted every time he was asked. Spiderman was way too good of a person.  
They finally came in to an agreement about the movie, action, it worked for both of them, and they made their way to Wade's apartment.  
Wade kept talking about how cool his place was now that it was all clean and everything. He was so glad to bring Spiderman over. He finally had everything in place, and there was absolutely no chance he would find any dirty secrets just laying around. He had made sure to hide them all well.  
“Erm, is this your place?” Spiderman asked with a raised brow, and Wade looked at him in surprise. “Yeah, how did you know?” Spiderman stopped and pointed at the sidewalk. Every single Deadpool's possession was laid on it. Deadpool quickly ran to it, and took a paper taped on his TV to read it to himself.  
“Oh shit I forgot to pay the rent.” Deadpool face palmed. He had once again ruined everything.  
“You got evicted? Who evicts a person if they pay the rent a little late?” Spiderman asked, sounding baffled, and Wade gave himself a double head palm with both hands. “It wasn't a little late. It was late for four months.”  
“Four months! How did you manage that?” Peter sounded like Wade had just landed from another planet. He wished he had. That would be easier to explain.  
“Well I had this long term mission and I kind of forgot.” Deadpool tried, and sighed. Well fuck. “What about the notices? I'm sure he mailed you a notice.”  
“Yes. He did. I made a paper plane from it.” This time Spiderman face palmed.  
“Well, how about we reschedule. You can get your feet back on the ground. Rain check?” Spiderman suggested, and Wade nodded resentfully. “Rain check.” He said with a defeated voice. Spiderman was nice enough to give him a pat on the back and wish him luck.  
“Can you at least give me Peter's number or mail or something? I need to tell him the new location.”

It took him several days to move. He got a place to stay from a friend, and he actually managed to pull some strings for a new apartment. He was finally back in to the Spider Wooing game, and he texted Peter to come over.  
Peter was quick to appear, quicker than usually, and he greeted him with: “Long time no see.” The man had a smile that figuratively went from ear to ear.  
“I hope you aren’t mocking me with that smile.” Deadpool warned, and Peter shook his head.  
“No, I'm just really glad to see you again. I bet you were busy mowing. The new place is nice. Better than the previous one.” Peter praised. Deadpool was glad to be praised. After so much wrongs, it was good to hear at least something was going well.  
They went to take a seat in the new living room. The apartment was newly renovated, it had fresh wooden walls and nice white paint. Wade wondered how long it took him to ruin it, but he was glad to have it like this. If only for a little while.  
“Still after Spiderman?” Peter asked, and he sat on the armchair, leaning his head on his hand. He seemed to relax fully on the chair.  
“Well, as long as I still have a chance.” Deadpool tried, and Peter smiled, nodding.  
“There is always a chance.” He admitted, and Deadpool was all ears.  
“Well, maybe this time you could take him out to eat. He was willing to come to your apartment, he is probably willing to go out to eat too. This time you could take him in to a restaurant so he could choose to eat whatever he can handle.” Peter smiled, and Deadpool nodded.  
He knew a restaurant where they could get a corner seat. He knew the owner so he wouldn't mind them wearing their masks and all. He had not gone to eat there before, but he was sure it was a nice place.  
“Yeah, okay. I have a place in mind.”  
“Great.” Peter said, and this time he staid longer to plan. Wade was enjoying the company quite well, and Peter was pretty thorough with the plan.  
Deadpool nodded, and Smiled. This time he couldn't fuck up.

Deadpool met Spiderman outside of the restaurant. He had made reservations and everything. Nothing fancy, just the normal costumes, and a dish of warm, well made food. Food that he was not even making himself. This plan couldn't foil.  
They got all their food in time without having to wait, and it was delicious. They were even building up a pretty good conversation, and the date was going well all in all. They even made it all the way to the check up with no problem.  
The waiter brought over the receipt, and Wade put his card on it to pay.  
Spiderman was quite warmed up, and he kept talking about his vigilant spiderman stuff, and Wade kept nodding and smiling. He was seriously on the cloud nine.  
The Waiter came back to their table, and Deadpool turned around to take back his card. But the waiter did not hold it back for him. The waiter held it up high, and pulled out scissors, cutting it in half in front of them.  
What the hell, he was sure he had money on that damn plastic piece of shit.  
“What the hell is this!” Wade felt his blood rush to his ears as he was pretty much boiling over. Don't you dare to ruin my date, it was going so well this far! Wade already got up to let the fists do the talking when suddenly the owner rushed at their table from the kitchen.  
“I'm so sorry for misunderstanding, and the confusion! My waitrer here has delivered the card on the wrong table!” The owner laid a venomous look at the waiter's direction, and Wade lowered his fist. The kid was probably getting fired. He looked at his companion only to notice that Spiderman had hid his face under his palm. The poor thing was probably embarrassed to the core.  
“The card belongs to the table next to you.” Wade made a murderous look at the family dining next to them. The children were looking at him with enough embarrassment to almost make him look bad, but the father of the family looked like a slimy dick who tried to swindle the restaurant out of it's money. Serves him right.  
“Could you by any means accept a full refund for your expenses. I apologize fully for the waiter's mix up.” The owner laid another stingy look at the waiter, who immediately caught the tip to apologize and he even made a small bow.  
Wade tried to cool himself down, and nodded.  
“Yes, it will be all fine. But we will be leaving now.” Spiderman suddenly putted in, and took Deadpool from the arm to guide him out. They made a trip by the counter to fetch Wade's card.  
“Well that was embarrassing.” Spiderman sighed, and Wade nodded. “No shit.”  
“Well... I guess the date has ended?” Spiderman asked, switching his weight from foot to foot. Deadpool did not wonder why the other was quick to leave. He felt like shooting himself in the head by embarrassment.  
“Yeah. See you again sometime.” Deadpool mumbled, and Spiderman looked at him worryingly. The Other seemed to consider leaving, but then he made a quick decision to give the Deadpool a hug before he did.  
It was warm, quick, but sincere. Deadpool shook his hand to bid Spiderman goodbye.

“Peter you can't even guess how the last date got fucked up!” Deadpool was close to raving mad.  
“That too? How did you manage that? We planned it so well!” Peter said with a slightly exasperated voice, but Wade did not care.  
“The damn waitress came to the wrong table, and cut someone's card in half next to us! Spiderman was so embarrassed. Man, I was so embarrassed! I felt like hitting the guys teeth in!” Deadpool seethed, but then slouched on the sofa. He was doomed to fail.  
“Don't worry yourself. I still haven't run out of ideas.” Peter consoled, and Deadpool sighed. “I'm running out of hope here.”  
Peter leaned over to lay his hand on Deadpool's shoulder. “Don't be. You can still do this.” He assured, and Deadpool nodded. At least someone believed in him. And Peter knew how hard he had been trying. Maybe one last time wouldn't hurt.  
“Okay. But this is it. If this fails, I'll just accept that Karma is so not on my side, and I'm doomed to fail.” Deadpool sighed. He was so close on giving up. Nothing was worth this much trouble.  
“For real?” Peter asked, and Deadpool rolled his head around, unsure. But he then made his mind.  
“Yes. I have done everything in my power to get him, and this is the last straw.” He said, and Peter smiled at him. It was one of those genuine smiles that told him to do his best.  
Wade smiled back at him. “So what do you have in mind this time?”  
Peter leaned up from his armchair, actually coming over to sit next to Deadpool. Their tights touched, and the other's closeness was nice.  
Peter leaned close to explain.  
“Well, since eating out is not an option, maybe you could eat in.” Peter started, and Wade growled.  
“Come on! I am a rubbish cook! I couldn't make food to save my life!”  
Peter laid a hand on his shoulder, and Wade looked at him like he was begging for an answer. “Well, you could always cook it before hand.”  
Wade rolled his eyes. “Peter Parker, you think highly of me. I once managed to make chimichangas only by trapping a Mexican in my oven and forcing him make food for me. That Paco or what's his name was not a happy camper.”  
Peter laughed. He laughed with him, not at him. It was nice. It made Wade join in with the laugh.  
“Come on. It can't be that bad. I'll help you cook. Then you must only reheat it in the oven.” Peter assured, and Wade felt already better. Peter was getting to be quite a good friend. Even if his plan's with Spiderman were all falling apart, at least he got a friend out of it.  
“Okay. I can chop the vegetables or something. But you do the cooking.” Wade agreed, and Peter made the most bright smile he had ever seen. He had not noticed it before, but Peter's eyes lighted up when he smiled.  
“I wouldn't have it any other way.”

Okay. Last try. The food was all ready in the fridge. It only needed to be reheated, it was fresh and no doubt delicious, after all, Peter had made it. He had already invited Spiderman over. He spent that Rain check from the last time, and he would be over any minute now.  
The new apartment was clean, his clothes were clean, his breath was fine, and he had even showered. Everything was in the can.  
Now if only Spiderman wouldn't bail on him.  
Which to Deadpool's delight did not happen. Spiderman had his own flair by arriving in through the living room window. “I got the movie.” Spiderman noted, and handed it over. It was the same one from before.  
“Great. I'll put it rolling, and then I will prepare the food. We can eat while we watch.” Deadpool said with a smile, and he felt successful. This time, for sure.  
He put the DVD in the player, and hit start. He would be back to watch it right after he got the food in the oven.  
Peter had even given him an egg timer to tell him when the food was ready. He couldn't burn it even if he tried.  
So he took a towel to use as oven mitts, and he put the lasagna in the oven. It was a safe bet. Everyone liked lasagna. He laid down the towel, set the timer, and joined Peter on the couch. He sat next to him and leaned his back against the backrest. This time he would just enjoy the ride.

Spiderman was also taking it easy next to him on the sofa, and they were leaning pretty close. This was it, now this date was perfect. The movie was good, and they made casual conversation over it, commenting on the hero's abilities and plan, accusing the enemies of being stupid, and laughed at the lame jokes made by the comical sidekick guy.  
Everything was perfect.  
And suddenly Spiderman sat up, alert. “Deadpool, my Spider sense just went off.”  
“Your what now?” Wade asked confused, and Spiderman turned to look at him. “I got this weird sense that tells me when something bad is about to happen.” Wade lifted his brow. “Common sense?”  
Spiderman shook his head. “No, but close enough. There is something wrong.” Spiderman started to look around the building, and Deadpool paused the movie.  
“Do you smell smoke?” Spiderman asked, and got up. “Impossible, I have a timer on the food. It shouldn't be ready for another half an hour.”  
“Just go check?” Spiderman suggested, and Deadpool nodded. At least he would get that out of the way.  
Deadpool made his way in to the kitchen, and he almost jumped back to the living room.  
“Holy shit the kitchen is on fire!” He yelled, and Spiderman jumped up. “What! how?” He was over by Deadpool's side in a second, and to confirm Deadpool's earlier assumption, the oven was almost engulfed in flames.  
“Oh my god, it's the towel. The towel is on fire.” Deadpool realized, and looked at the flames. “I used it as the oven mitts. I left it over the oven.”  
Spiderman was quick to look around the room. “Do you have a fire extinguisher? Anything?”  
Deadpool looked around himself too. It was a new apartment, he had yet to get any. “There is one in the hallway!” He realized, and Made a beeline for the door. The fire extinguisher was not far from the stairs, and Wade made it there quickly. He ran back in, and immediately proceeded to put down the fire. The fire was easy to put out after all, but now the complete apartment smelled like smoke, and there was white powder everywhere.  
Wade dropped the extinguisher on the floor. He was so done. So fucking done with this bullshit.  
“I think you should leave.” Deadpool said with stern voice. This is bullshit. He couldn't do a single thing right. It was a failure after a failure. Fuck that shit. He is so done.  
Spiderman tried to say something, but Wade lifted his arm to quiet him. “I'll see you around.” He said, and escaped in to his bedroom.  
He felt like killing himself, but what was the use when he couldn't die? Fuck he was such a failure.  
He could hear Spiderman staying over for a while, asking several times if he was okay. Eventually he understood that Wade was not about to come out of the room and left.  
Which Deadpool was glad for. He needed to cool himself down before he went mad and massacred the whole town.

The next day Peter was knocking at his door. Wade did not feel like answering the door, but Peter tried to talk to him through it.  
“Deadpool, are you okay?” He asked, and Wade sighed. He wanted to tell him to go away, but he didn't want to be rude to Peter.  
“Just fine and dandy!” He yelled, making sure that his voice reached through the front door from the living room. “Cool. Just wanted to make sure.” Peter said back. Wade waited to hear if Peter had left.  
“So are you giving up?” Peter asked, and wade sighed. “For the further notice, yes.”  
Peter was quiet for a while. “Okay. Just give me a call when you feel better.”  
“Okay.” Wade said, and he then heard retreating footsteps from his door.  
He sighed and laid down on his sofa in surrender.  
He was such a fuck up.

Several days passed, and Deadpool was thinking hard. His plans with Spiderman were a complete failure. The man was gorgeous, but the universe had decided that he had absolutely no chance with him. He was thinking what were his changes, until he remembered that Peter had asked him to make him a call. He looked at his phone in wonder, but he refused to call.  
Peter was a great guy. Funny, confident, A bit of a geek, but in a cool way. He knew that Deadpool was trying hard, and he made him cheer up. Hell, he made him try again after another. Maybe he shouldn't give up all hope. Not on Peter at least. Peter always made him try, so maybe he should try one more time. But this time not with Spiderman, but with Peter.  
Wade switched his phone on anonymous, and sent Peter a text: “Meet me at the local park at a high vantage point three hours after sunset.” He might just as well do it his own way this time.

When Wade arrived, he noticed that Peter was already there. The man seemed utterly nervous. Probably because he did not know who the text had come from. Good. It would make the surprise even better.  
Wade sneaked up on Peter, and tapped him on the shoulder. The other jumped around, and looked at him from head to toe. “Deadpool!” He recognized, even if he was wearing a paper Spiderman mask, regular jeans and a white shirt which read “big” over a picture of a rooster.  
“No, the Santa Claus. Of course it is me! Who did you think it was?” Peter laughed nervously, but smiled. “Well, one can never be too sure.” Wade nodded at that. “True. Wanna come to my place?” Wade suggested, and Peter nodded with enthusiasm. “Why did you act so anonymous. Why the get up?” Peter asked, and followed Wade. “I wanted to make it memorable. Now you have something to tell your friends.” Peter laughed. “That is so you. And this is sure going to make one hell of a tale!” He laughed, and then gently laid his hand on Wade's arm, which he had on his pocket. Wade took his hand free from it's confinement and crossed his fingers with Peter. This was not actually that bad.  
“So, you gave up on Spiderman to be with me?” Peter asked, and he sounded somewhat morose, but hopeful still at the same time.  
“Well, Spiderman is still totally cool, but so far I have enjoyed your company better. At least I haven't fucked up our dates yet. Although, now that the universe knows this is a date, I wouldn't put it pass it to try and ruin it.” Wade noted, and Peter smiled. “Yeah. You and dates don't really work well together. But at least I know you try your best.” Peter said, and Wade smiled contently.  
“God have I tried!” Suddenly Deadpool started laughing as loud as he could, soon getting Peter to join him.  
“Oh my god do you remember when Spiderman brought me to you! I bet you were like “Shit, what did that fucktart do now?”.” Wade laughed, and Peter tried to clear his eyes.  
“Yes, I was literally too shocked to understand what was going on. I just stood there mouth agape while I thought what the heck would I do with you!” Peter laughed, and They made jokes about Wades shit dating luck for the rest of the walk to Wade's apartment.  
Everything was going well so far, and Wade and Peter sat next to each other on the sofa.  
“You are a great guy Deadpool.” Peter said, and Deadpool squeezed his hand. “It's Wade.”  
Peter nodded and played with the name in his head. “Wade.”  
And suddenly loud noises erupted from the floor above them. It was the neighbors. Having sex. Loudly. The females gasps could be heard all the way here, and the bang of the headboard was like thunder.  
“Oh fuck me, not this shit again!” Deadpool was about to burn his last straw, but suddenly there were warm hands against the sides of his face, and his gaze was guided back to Peter who pushed Deadpool's Spiderman mask up and pressed their lips together.  
Wade froze on place for a second, but he then smiled in to the kiss. Peter would never let his plans foil. He laid his hands on Peter's shoulders, and kissed him back. The other's lips were soft and warm, working against his, and it felt awesome.  
They kissed long and softly, until Peter broke up the kiss and they got a breath in.  
“Wanna come over to my place? Get rid of the neighbors and have some fun of our own?” Peter suggested, and Wade felt like a spark was lit in his heart.  
“I sure do! Let's go.” Wade got up, and took Peter's hand to his. Wade was working up the phase, even if Peter was the one steering.

Thankfully Peter did not live that far, and they got to his place. Peter's place was nothing significant. It was a small flat, with used furniture, and cheap walls. It was perfect.  
Wade took Peter's hands and rounded him to face him. He looked him in the eyes, lifted his mask and kissed him again, softly at first, but then getting rougher.  
Peter leaned against him, It was warm and fluffy. Just like the poison ivy, but without the rash.  
Wade laid his arms against Peter's hips and pulled him close. Peter tasted sweet and fresh, and he loved it. Peter had his hands around Wade's shoulders once they finally separated. “Want to take this to the bedroom?” Peter asked, and Wade felt like he read his mind. “Hell yes.”  
Peter showed him the way through his small apartment to the bed, and they started kissing again before they even got ón it. Wade kissed Peter firmly, leaning over him until Peter finally toppled over, falling on the bed with Wade on top of him.  
When Wade got properly on top of Peter, he threw his mask off completely and kissed him fully, and reached his arms under the shirt. He felt another garment under it, but pulled only the loosely on top shirt off him.  
And what was under it was a Spiderman costume.  
“Oh how sweet of you Peter, you wore the Spiderman costume for me.” Wade said, and got up to admire him.  
“Wade, I have something I need to tell you.” Peter said sweetly, and Wade was eager to guess: “Did you know it was me who send the text and got all dressed for me? You shouldn't have.” Wade joked, and Peter shook his head, still smiling.  
“Well yes, but no.” Peter said, and took a breath. “Wade, I am Spiderman.” Wade blinked his eyes slowly, before grinning wide. “What, really?”  
Peter laughed, Wade just sounded so ridiculous. “Yeah.”  
Wade came back down, and alluringly kissed Peter again, before slowly pulling back, playfully trying to tag Peter's lips with him. “So the dates were not all that bad?”  
“Trust me, the dates were that bad. But it was the thought that counts.” Peter says, and Wade cant help but smile and lay down to nuzzle Peter's neck, laying soft kisses on his throat before trying to work a hickey on it.  
Wade let his hands roam down Peter's sides, until finally settling on his sides, resting against the waist of his jeans.  
“You, Peter Parker, are full of surprises.” Wade grinned, and kissed his nose.  
“Well, how else did you think I managed to capture Spiderman in all the right angles.” Peter joked, and Wade growled playfully. “You sure are something.”  
Wade dug his fingers under the waistband, and worked the button and zipper open before he got Peter rid of his jeans. Underneath was the rest of the Spiderman costume, and Wade couldn't believe his luck. Everything went better than expected.  
“Peter, you have no idea how turned on I am right now.” Wade said, and Peter reached up to his face to kiss him again. “Then do something about it.” He said, and thrust up from the bed to rub himself against Wade, making the other feel how not alone he was in this situation. Peter was hard for him as well.  
“Oh, I will.” Wade said with a hungry grin, and worked off the top of the Spiderman get up, and started kissing Peter on the neck, before wandering down, laying kisses against Peter's chest, stomach, waist, and down to his crotch, where he laid a kiss over the fabric of his Spiderman costume's pants.  
Peter moaned.  
Wade laid his mouth over the appendage that was trying to fight against the constricting fabric, and he breathed hot air against it.  
“Ah, Wade, that is so hot.” Peter moaned, and unconsciously tried to lean up and feel more. Wade let him, as it made the removal of his pants easier. He pulled them down to Peter's knees, and Peter kicked them off. Wade leaned back down to the fully erect member that was standing tall and broad. Wade traced his lips against the sides, rubbing his cheek against the length, before he licked the underside of it, making it slippery all over with saliva.  
He then pulled down the foreskin, and traced his tongue around the glans, making sure to trace the tip of his tongue underneath the fold. He then licked the top like it was candy, before carefully taking the tip in, minding his teeth. Peter hissed as he buried the back of his head in to the pillow.  
Wade rolled his tongue around it for extra lubricant before he leaned down, taking in as much as he could, and he then pulled up, sucking strongly.  
“Ah, Wade, that feels so good.” Peter mumbled, and his hands strayed over Wade's head, resting against his scalp.  
Wade smiled and hummed against Peter's penis, making him shiver. He then held his hand firmly around the base, and started sucking eagerly around the length, making Spiderman want to guide his head with his arms. Wade Made sure to maintain his own phase, but liked having the hands on him. They were reassuring, guiding.  
Wade could taste the precum dripping from the top, and he pulled up, letting the dick fall off his lips, before he kissed the top, taking in the sweet taste of the other's semen.  
“Ah, god, Wade, I cannot take that much of teasing.” Peter groaned, and fisted Wade's shirt before he pulled it off him. Wade lifted his arms to help the other on his task, before he leaned up. Peter had his hands on his waist, working on his button, and when the other got the pants open, Wade pulled them off.  
Wade leaned over Peter, taking in the hot warmth that was radiating from the other, and he pushed their penises flush against each other. He rubbed their hard ons together, and Peter lifted his legs up to lock them around Wade's hips.  
“I have lube on the night table. God, I want you so much.” Peter hissed, and Wade groaned as he pushed himself hard against the other one. “I want you more than anything.” Wade mumbled against Peter's hot skin, before he bit down on the spot at his throat. Peter moaned, and thrust up to rub himself hard against Deadpool.  
“Less talk, more of this.” Peter said, and grind against Deadpool, making the other groan. “Yes.” Deadpool hissed, and then reached in to the night table to search for the lotion. It was right in the closest corner, and he took it like a life line. He then leaned up, and saw the undone form of Spiderman right in front of him. And if someone were to ask, it was the hottest sight he had ever laid his eyes on.  
Hard muscles and smooth skin, with a hard on that begged him to do something.  
“God you are so hot.” Wade said as he opened the cap of the bottle, and squeezed some of the lube on his hands, before generously soaking his cock in it. The rest he smeared over Peter's hot ass, and he carefully pushed the tip of his forefinger against the entrance, not penetrating, just teasing.  
Peter lifted his legs up to offer a rather generous view of himself for Deadpool, and it took him all his mind power to concentrate at the task at hand. He rubbed his finger against the hole, teasing, before he pushed it in a little. He made sure to rub the hole tenderly, teasingly. In small strokes that were never enough but still plenty. Spiderman was shivering under the touch, and he saw the other's hands wander on the bed, not sure if they should be by his sides or around his cock. Wade decided to do the decision for him, as he help Peter's cock in other hand, giving it firm, yet slow strokes as he slowly worked the opening.  
“Wade, I want you so bad right now.” Peter moaned, and tried to lift his legs higher. “I can bet on that.” Wade grinned, and showed the finger deeper. He was practically finger fucking Peter. Going only a little way in, and then back, teasing the entrance, teasing the hot flesh around his finger. Peter's hole was squeezing and relaxing around his finger, and it felt like it was trying to suck his finger in. It was the most hottest feeling.  
Wade pushed the finger in deeper, letting it rub against the soft walls of Peter's intestine, making the other moan.  
“Please, more. You are making me mad.” Peter moaned, and tried to thrust against the fingers. Wade smiled as he added in a second finger. He thrust in and let the fingers drag against the walls around them, before he hooked his fingers, trying to push them against the walls. Wade could see Peter's dick twitch in pleasure.  
“Oh god, please!” Peter begged, and Wade retracted the fingers, and he dragged them against Peter's crack, massaging the hole.  
“Please, I can't last forever, just take me please!” Peter begged harder, and Wade positioned himself. He wanted him so bad right now.  
He started pushing in. It seemed like Peter was trying to suck him up. He was hot, so tight, so welcoming, and god did that turn him on.  
Wade pushed deeper, until he was mostly in, and he started to move backwards. It felt like Peter's ass was reluctant to let him go, and that was turning him on like nothing else.  
Wade moaned against Peter's shoulder. “I just want to take you so bad.” Wade groaned, and pushed in deeper, this time going on as deep as he could, until his balls were resting against the curve of Peter's ass. “Take me, please!” Peter curled his feet back around Wade's waist, and Wade groaned. This was so hot, he was having hard time consecrating on anything else.  
Wade started a rhythm of back and forth movement. The walls were closing on him and he felt like he was being sucked in deeper and deeper every move. He couldn't hold himself back anymore, he let his phase get quicker all the way until he was pushing Peter hard against the bed with every move.  
“Harder, please!” Peter begged again, and he rhythmically pushed back against Wade's every move, clenching himself around Wade every time he was fully in, and it made him come so close he had to bite his lip to hold himself from coming.  
“Oh god Peter you are so tight.” Wade moaned, and fastened his phase. He was pushing in so hard he could hear the slap of skin against skin, and his balls were hitting rather harshly against Peter's ass, border lining on painful. But still it was so pleasurable.  
“Oh Peter I'm so close!” Wade moaned, and hit on with everything he got, grounding against Peter when he was fully in, and impaling him as fast as he could with every stroke. Wade reached his free hand to Peter's cock and started rubbing it fast, making Peter's words slur.  
“Wade, I'm so close. I can't hold it.” Peter groaned, and Wade could feel him holding it. The other was crazy hot and tight around him, and Wade could feel his cock twitch, he was so close too.  
“Come for me. Come all over.” Wade groaned, and held tight on the other, rubbing fast and tight, and suddenly Peter hissed as his cock released all of it's load in streams of semen, messing up Peter's stomach, and even landing on Wade's chest. Peter moaned the most pleasureful way ever, and then the walls were impossibly tight against him, and Wade was undone like a broken band as he erupted inside Peter, feeling like tiny explosions went on his head, covering his vision in bright hod dots, until he was sure he couldn't even see properly. Wade thrust as hard against Peter as he could, making sure every single drop was shed in the depths of Peter's ass, before he finally slumped over Peter, hissing in hyper sensitivity, and sighing in content.  
They were both panting hard, and trying to collect their breath. Peter's hand found their way around Wade, who still refused to open his eyes.

“That must be the hottest thing ever.” Peter said, sounding lazy. Wade hummed questioningly. “You like that. So wasted, completely defenseless and spent to the bone.” Wade really did feel like that. It felt like the pure thought of pulling out and pushing himself up was too much.  
Wade buried his head on Peter's shoulder, laying lazy half assed kisses everywhere he could reach.  
“Mm, Peter I love you so much.” Wade mumbled, almost dipping over to unconsciousness.  
“I love you too.” Wade finally mustered his strength to pull out, hissing as he was so sensitive, he was dripping semen all over Peter's sheets, and he leaned up to kiss Peter with everything he had got.  
“I am so tired.” Wade mumbled against the other's lips, and Peter hushed him.  
“Just go to sleep.” Peter collected Wade in a hug, and Wade collapsed beside him. They were spooning each other as they fell asleep on a hot tangle of limbs, forgetting the lousy dates, and dreaming about the hot sex.


End file.
